Friday, August 5, 2011

A moment of clarity?

I took Stella to Pete's grave today.  It was so gorgeous out, with a sweet gentle breeze just when you needed it.  I've never really been the kind of person to sit and "talk" at someone's grave, but with Pete it's different.  I could probably sit and talk to him for hours.  There's so much to tell him.  Even though I know he's with us and sees everything, I had to tell him about his sweet girl. How Stella is now grabbing her toys.  How happy she is.  The way she smiles and laughs when she sees me first thing in the morning. How she still loves to listen to goodnight stories, especially "Guess How Much I Love You" (even though I don't read it the way Daddy did). Had to tell him that I've had a couple "good" days where I didn't break down every 5 minutes.

 I sat and talked to him like he was right there in front of me.  I thanked him for sending his message through Ferris; told him how much it meant to me. After a while I told him that I needed another sign, another glimmer of him.  I told him that those little bits of him are the only thing that help me through my days.  I immediately felt a sense of peace.  It was the calmest, most peaceful feeling I've had since after his viewing (he gave me the same sense of calm and strength that I needed to make it through his funeral).  I had (as a good friend coined it) a moment of clarity.  I realized that I can't continue looking for happiness in my future.  I can't continue to be afraid of having bad days. I can't keep wondering if I'm going to have the happy ending I knew I would have with Pete.  I realized that every morning I need to aim to be happy for just that day.  Not tomorrow or the next day.  I need to live in the present, and try to be happy for one day.  One day doesn't seem so tough, right? I can do one day.  Who knows....maybe one day will eventually turn into a lifetime.


  1. That's all you can do...take one day at a time. He will always be with you and Stella...and you will never be alone <3

  2. You are an inspiration to me. You have shown such strength. You ARE and amazing woman and Mother! Your families story has touched me and I am sure many others. You are in my prayers.

  3. My sister-in-law, Casie, posted the link to this blog on Facebook. (I'm Bill's sister.) Caitie, your words are extraordinary, as are you. I would say you've had more than one moment of clarity to be able to share your innermost thoughts and feelings with your readers. Thank you for sharing this with all of us; know that you and Stella will be in my thoughts.