Saturday, August 6, 2011


It's amazing what your mind and body will do to try and protect you from pain.  When the shock and sadness is almost too much to bear, your brain kicks in and says "Woahhh there! I've gotta do a little sheltering or this girls gonna crack down the middle." Because there really are times when it feels like my body will just betray me, and my knees might go a little weak, or my head gets dizzy. There are times when I truly feel like I'm going to die because my heart is shattered into a million and two pieces. That's when I rely on my brain to help out and shelter me from some of the pain.  I've never understood how people can "block out" certain parts of their lives that were traumatic.  I was always so could you not remember a whole chunk of your life?! Yea, ok. Sure. But I completely get it now. People tell me things that happened after Pete's accident, that I truly don't remember. It's so weird. It's like theres this fuzzy part in my brain where the really difficult parts should be. But my brain is protecting me from them, so I can't access those memories. I guess I should be thankful for that. Right?

And there are times when I'm literally waging war on my instincts....fighting a battle inside my body to overcome very powerful instincts telling me to make my world as small as possible.  "Do you want to get hurt again?! Yea, I didn't think so. Ok, I'll tell you what to do. Push everyone away. Get rid of those friends, don't let your family in. If you push them away now, you and Stella won't get hurt later on down the road. I'm serious, listen to me. I'm your instincts, I know what's best." But in my heart I know that's not the path to take.  Pushing my friends and family away will only make it more difficult when I come out of this "coma" that I'm in.  This horrible existense that is my life right now. 

So I continue to wage this war, fight this battle. And I hope I win, or else my instincts are gonna have me and Stel alone, sad, pathetic for the rest of our lives. And I can't do that to us. To Pete. We were so happy, so loving, so excited about life. I've got to get back there.  I'm determined to. For Pete.

1 comment:

  1. None of your friends or family will ever let you lose that battle, and neither will Pete. You have already told us how his strength has gotten you through what will no doubtly be the worst days of your life, he will always be there with you, in you and in will never be alone. Just keep taking it one day at a time <3