Sunday, July 31, 2011

Life goes on?

Everywhere around me life is moving right along. The sun hasn't stopped setting.  The birds haven't stopped singing.  The flowers haven't stopped blooming.  Stella hasn't stopped growing.  My friends and family have picked back up on their daily routines.  But what about me? I'm stuck.  I'm in limbo.  My heart is shattered and I'm in the most intense grief I've ever felt in my life, yet my heart yearns to be mended and to find happiness. I wanna be out of limbo.  I wanna be happy.  But happiness seems so far off in the distance, that I can't even begin to make out its shape. Is there happiness out there for me again? Or am I doomed to walk around in this strange limbo for the rest of my life?

Saturday, July 30, 2011


Acceptance....seems like an easy enough word.  Seems like when someone dies, the natural thing to do is to "accept" that they're no longer with us and that's that. Then why is it so difficult for me to accept that Pete was killed. He won't be home waiting for me after a long day of shopping. He won't walk up the back walk, sit on the steps to take off his boots and come inside after a long day at work.  He's not just outside fiddling around in the garage.  He's not upstairs in his office working on a set of plans.  He's not out back working on the chicken coop. He's not sitting on the couch playing with Stel.  He's not in the shower. He's not taking a nap with Stella sleeping on his chest. He's not he's not he's not!!!!! I could go on and on about the places "he's not". Yet I can't fully accept that he's actually not here.  If I could only accept that he's not coming home....I might be able to start my road to recovery.  But I haven't accepted it.  Not sure when I will. There's still a twinge of hope that it's all a bad dream, and that he is all those places that he's actually not.

Acceptance is an obstacle that I need to overcome. But it doesn't seem like I'm overcoming anything soon.

Friday, July 29, 2011


Funny thing about friends...they're there for you even when you don't want it. When you feel like you're in the depths of hell, like you're hanging on by your fingernails....they swoop in and make you smile.  Today was the worst day I've had all week. I think it finally hit me that Pete will not be walking through that door again. That life without him is going to become my norm. I was adament that I didn't want anyone coming over. Did they listen? Nope. And what happened after lots of hysterical crying....a little smile. Thanks guys. Love you <3

Thursday, July 28, 2011

11 weeks

Stella is 11 weeks old today. 
11 weeks ago at this very minute, Pete and I were about to welcome her into the world.  We were so happy.  We were so in love.  We were so excited about our future as a family.
Did I think that it would all be cut short in 9 1/2 weeks? Hell no. Never crossed my mind. Sure, I knew that things could happen having lost 2 dads. But not Pete, not MY Pete. He was invincible. Strong. Healthy. Safe. We were on top of the world.
Fast forward 11 weeks from that blissfully happy day. I'm sitting here numb, sick with grief. Heartbroken. Shattered. Stunned. How the hell could this have happened? It's not supposed to be like this. Not Pete. Not Caitie and Pete. Not to sweet Stella. She needs her Daddy. I need her Daddy.
Where is the fairness? How do some people seem to walk through life without seeming to suffer any grief, while others have so much devastation????
11 weeks ago, this is the LAST thing I would have expected to be going through.


Dealing with insurance people. Ugh. So frustrating. Do they realize what I've just been through??!! Not one of them even acts like it's a big deal. I tell them my husband was killed, and to them it's business as usual. "Email this person, call that person." Meanwhile, my body (even my face) is still numb from shock and all I wanna do is curl up and suck my thumb. I think it's gonna be a long day...

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

10 days or a lifetime?

It's been 10 days since Pete was killed. I feel lost. I feel scared. I'm so sad, that my body actually feels numb. My sweet Stella is almost 11 weeks old now....she doesn't even realize how much her life changed in an instant. How will I make it?