Grief

I recently read this on a fellow widow's blog, and I wanted to share:

Living with grief is like traveling on a railroad track. One side of the track is sadness and the other side of the track is happiness. When a train travels on a track, it travels on both sides, simultaneously, like a grieving person lives their life, sad and happy, at the same time.

Again with the damn happy/sad.

August 20th?

Was my last post really on August 20th?! Yikes, and I was doing so well there lol. Well, it's time to get back into this whole writing thing :)

Tired

Today was Ferris' 2nd Birthday party, and the absence of Pete felt like a black hole in my heart. But I did it, I got through another day and I actually had a little fun. Not really sure how that happened. Coming home tonight, without him, was hard though.  If he were here, we'd be laying in bed exhausted from the day, laughing at how adorable Ferris was at her party; talking about the fun we had. Loving the fact that we now have a beautiful girl of our own.  But instead, I'm laying in bed alone thinking how much I miss him.  Miss my buddy.  Wishing on everything I can think of that when I wake up in the morning he'll be here, like it was all a misunderstanding.  But I know that won't happen.  So I'll go to sleep, and hope he'll come to me in my dreams and tell me he loves me one more time.

A tribute...

Since Pete's death, I have seen a whole different side of people.  Kindness, compassion, love, sympathy, grief, generosity.  Everyday it seems that someone new is reaching out to me and Stella, and everyday I continute to be amazed. 

Last Friday was the MCR and Blink show that Pete and I have had tickets to since May.  We are HUGE fans.  I remember when Pete won tickets from DC101 to go see Blink at the 930 club! I think I was still in high school. Man did we have an awesome time! But after Pete's accident I decided I wasn't going to the show. I figured I'd give the tickets away or maybe try to sell them.  Either way, I wanted no part in going to that show. Not without Pete.  About two weeks before the show, Shaun (one of Pete's best friends) asked if he could take Pete's ticket and go with me. I told him he could just have both tickets. But he was persistent, "You'll have a good time. You need to go." I didn't want to go. No way was I going with all our best friends who just happen to be couples.  Then Nikki and Erin started dropping hints, "Are you going? Well heres a list of reasons why you should go..." They didn't want to force it, but they thought it was in my best interest to go and try to have some fun.  Afterall, Blink 182 is my favorite band of all time!

After lots of discussions with my mom (who also wanted me to go) and my friends, and an awesome pros and cons presentation by Erin (lol), I decided to go.  Immediately after I made my decision, Nikki, Erin and lots of our facebook friends began writing to the band asking them to dedicate a song to Pete.  They were pretty persistent, giving them the story of Pete's accident, telling them they were his favorite band.  I honestly didn't think anything would come of it. Afterall, they're this insanely busy and popular band.  Did they really read their FB posts? Probably not. I'm sure they have people that do that kind of thing for them!

On Friday, just as we were about to leave for the show I got a call from Nikki and Erin on 3 way. "Have you been on facebook? No? Well, Mark Hoppus just dedicated the whole show tonight to Pete!" WHAT THE HECK!! Sure enough, he announced it on FB....."Tonight's show is dedicated to Pete. Wish you could be here. Your wife, daughter, family, and friends are thinking of you." That's the exact line from Mark's page. So amazing. Still makes me cry. Pete, you lucky dude! Only you!!

That night at the show, there was a shooting star right before they played, and one lone star in the sky the whole night.  Gives me goosebumps just thinking of it!  We all saw that lone little star, and knew who it was.  It was my Pete.  The guy who keeps coming back to let me know he's ok, to let me know I'm going to be ok. To thank my amazing family and friends for their support of me and my grief. 

Like I said, people amaze me. The ones that are here on earth, and those watching over us in Heaven.

Happy/Sad

On Thursday, just one day shy of her three month birthday, Stella rolled over! My mom and Erin happened to see it too, which made the moment even more special.  It was so sweet, because she was trying to get to Finley (her little cousin) when she did it. It was such a happy moment, but at the same time it was completely heartbreaking.  It reminded me that Pete won't be there to share in all of Stella's "firsts", the milestones of her life.  I know everyone says that he's there with me, and I do believe that.  But it's just not the same.  There are going to be so many more of these moments, each one of them leaving me with the happy/sad feeling.  I know happy/sad all too well.  My whole life has been filled with those happy/sad moments.  Happy for my achievements and the big (and sometimes not so big) moments in my life; sad that my dad wasn't there to enjoy those moments with.  The crazy thing is, once I had Stella the "sad" part seemed to go away. Yes, I was still missing my Dad, wishing that he was there to enjoy this amazing time in my life.  But the happy was so overpowering that it washed away the sadness.  I had Pete and Stella.  What more could I want in life? Now, happy/sad is back.  And poor Stella is going to know happy/sad. 

I hate happy/sad.

I just want happy.

He Won't....

He won't be there tomorrow.
He won't be there to cry happy tears with me when Stella rolls over.
He won't lean over to kiss me goodbye before work.
He won't say "I love you" anymore.
He won't hug me.
He won't take forever in the shower, until I have to go in and yell at him to get out.
He won't sit on the back porch with a landshark after a long, hot day.
He won't bring me a glass of wine after Stella has gone to sleep.
He won't call me just to say "I'm thinking about you babe".
He won't walk in the door, scrub up like he's going into surgery, and hold Stella til it's bedtime.
He won't be upstairs giving Stella a bath, with me listening to his laughter and smiling.
He won't give me a kiss after driving over the railroad tracks.
He won't be by my side, parenting and loving our little girl.
He won't hold my hand in the car.
He won't fight me over the radio stations.
He won't tiptoe through the house in his dirty work boots, hoping that I don't see.
He won't throw the ball for Bridgette until she's practially hyperventilaing.
He won't get to make Stella a toy chest like he wanted to.
He won't say "Can I be the little spoon?" before falling asleep.
He won't be here.


What the hell.
This is unfair.
When will it stop hurting so damn bad?

Needed

"Needed: A strong, deep person wise enough to allow me to grieve in the depth of who I am, and strong enough to hear my pain without turning away.  I need someone who believes that the sun will rise again, but who does not fear my darkness.  Someone who can point out the rocks in my way without making me a child by carrying me.  Someone who can stand in thunder and watch the lightning and believe in a rainbow."

-Father Joe Mahoney